Tag Archives: self-help

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That’s MY baby…

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I am sure a number of you were wondering if I would post an article tonight, as my Mom did die this week, and we buried her this past Friday. To say that my heart is in a million pieces, would be a slight understatement. I know that the days are going to be long this week, and the next week, and the next…However, one thing that my Mama always taught me was to honor my commitments, and I committed to each of you that I would write a weekly article for at least one year. So here goes…

My Mama told me a number of years ago that each of us children (there are four) were “planned,” and our births were looked forward to with great anticipation. She said that she and Daddy viewed each pregnancy as a “sacred event,” a special gift from God. There has not been one moment of my life that I did not know how proud she was of my accomplishments, or of me as a person. Even as her disease progressed, she would ask me, “How many people did you speak to today?” I would tell her the number. She would then ask about the audience’s response to my presentation. Sometimes I would say, “well, they want me to come back…” or I would say, “I got a standing ovation in New York City!” She would just be thrilled and would ALWAYS say, “That’s MY baby!!”

No matter how old I got, it was wonderful to hear the pride in her voice and to know that I was still considered someone’s “baby.” It has been hard for me to understand, and imagine, a parent not letting their child know their worth and value. I know individuals who have never known that support, acceptance, pride and warmth from a parent. So HARD to believe…

During my Mother’s wake/visitation, one of my great nephews came up to hug me. (He’s a senior in high school this year.) I loved on him and asked about some of the activities in his life. He proceeded to share his school and sport accomplishments. When he finished, I hugged him again, and said, “That’s MY baby!” He grinned from ear to ear! Someone nearby leaned over and asked him, “Are you going to let her call you a baby?” He smiled, put his arms around me, and proudly stated, “I will always be Aunt Cat’s baby!” So you see, all of us want to be someone’s baby…and we all want to be “bragged on…” our accomplishments recognized and valued.

My little three year old great niece sat down by me at home, after the funeral, and wanted to draw on her “doodle” pad. I asked her what we should draw. She said, “a flower!” She then said, “but I don’t know how to draw a flower.” I explained (and showed) her how to draw a flower. When we got through with it, she was so pleased, and said, “I will go and show Grandpa. He will be so proud!” And I thought again, here is yet another child looking for someone to be proud of her. My brother did not fail her – he bragged and went “on and on” about how wonderful her drawing was.

So, here is my challenge for this week…If you are a parent, a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, a sister, a brother, a friend – ANYBODY, let the children and young adults in your family (world) know that they are valued, loved, and worthy…let them know that you are proud of their accomplishments and of them! Say to them, “That’s MY baby!” That’s what I will be doing…Won’t you join me? Just for this week…

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I Can’t Feel My Toes!!

Hi to all! Hope everyone is continuing to do positive acts of kindness for others, as well as yourself. I have been enjoying your stories and comments! It has been a rough week for the Selman family, as my Mother is declining rapidly, and we know that she will win her battle with Alzheimer’s soon. Since it has been a pretty heartbreaking week, I thought a little humor and levity was necessary. So here is my story and challenge for the week…

As most of you know, I speak at conferences and conventions all over the United States, and am certainly a seasoned, road warrior. I KNOW how to travel…I have two of everything…one suitcase is always packed, ready to go. I never travel without at least two outfits (even for one presentation), because you just never know! 

I was scheduled to make a one-day presentation for an association, in a small town. For some reason, I only took one dress with me. Once I arrived at the hotel (make that “motel”), I realized that I had not brought any pantyhose to wear with my dress.  (This was before it became popular to go “hoseless.”) Since there was no huge merchandise store in the area, and nothing open, I found myself at the local truck stop. Now, the sign did say “one size fits all,” and I thought, “Well then, they should fit me.” (As an aside, I would like to point out to all of you that one size does NOT fit all!) I returned to the motel and turned in for the night, secure in the fact that I would be properly attired the next day for my presentation.

I got up the next morning, took my shower, and began dressing. Everything was going great until I began putting on those “one size fits all” pantyhose. The crotch of the pantyhose would only come up to my knees…no matter how hard I pulled and tugged! In my head I was trying to visualize the individual they used as a measurement for the “one size….” I began to panic at this point, thinking, “It’s winter, my legs are too white…there’s no way that I can make a presentation with BARE legs!” It was then that the creative side of my brain kicked in…

I thought, “cut the pantyhose in half at the crotch, and find something to hold each leg up, like the old-fashioned garters that your grandmother used to wear.” I quickly found a pair of scissors and cut the pantyhose in half. Then I began frantically searching for two rubber bands…NONE to be found! I called the front desk asking for rubber bands. They said, “We’re so sorry, Ms. Selman, we’re out – have them ordered.” I really began to panic then, as the clock was ticking, and I STILL had those white legs…

I began wildly looking for anything in the room that might hold those pantyhose up! My eyes finally came to rest on my tennis shoes, and I thought, “Yay, the shoe strings!”  (It is hugely important to note at this time, that the shoestrings were NOT elasticized…) I quickly put each leg of the pantyhose on, wrapped a shoestring around the top of them, and rolled them up tight, just above my knees. I then put the dress on and stepped in front of the mirror to check everything out. I thought to myself, “no one will ever be the wiser…”

I got to the meeting, introductions were made, and I began my presentation. (Just so you know, and to give you a completely visual picture, when I speak, I move constantly and am obviously energetic and  enthused.) Fifteen minutes into the presentation, my legs began tingling, and I realized that I had probably made a huge error in judgment regarding the shoe strings. They were too tight and I had most certainly cut off the circulation to my legs. So, as I was speaking, my brain was screaming, “What are you going to do…you’re going to lose all feeling in your legs, fall…and everyone is going to see this mess under your dress! DO something!”

So….I began walking about a little more, flexing my calf muscles as much as I could, trying to ignore the curious stares that I was beginning to get…By this time, I could no longer feel my toes, and knew that I was in deep trouble. I realized that I could not keep up the charade any longer. I stopped my presentation, looked at everyone in the audience, and said, “I have a confession to make. ” I then lifted my dress high enough for them to see the garters, and said, “If I don’t untie these immediately, I am REALLY going to give you a show!” They all cracked up laughing, and my sorry story came out…At break, one of the participants ran to a store and got me a pair of pantyhose that actually fit, and I finished the day.

We take ourselves far too seriously, apply needless pressure to an already pressurized life, and fail to see the humor in many of our situations. This week I am going to try harder to believe that most people are understanding and will “follow my lead.” If I can be calm, and see the humor, then usually, they can too. Won’t you join me? Just for this week…

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Wonder, the Dog…

My Father has always been a quiet, gentle, soft-spoken man. In the past, whenever I would visit my Mom and Dad at their home, it usually ended up that Daddy mostly “listened” as the rest of the family did the talking. As my Mother’s Alzheimer’s progressed, and she eventually had to enter a nursing home, it meant that our family had to make yet another change in our “dynamics.” Instead of my Mother and I “running our mouths” a mile a minute, it was now my sweet Father and I in front of the TV watching so many westerns, that I actually felt bow-legged at times. I kept having an irresistible urge to say, “Howdy, Partner!” to everyone I met…

I thought, you know, you’re wasting precious time with your father, just watching TV. Why not try to draw him out and actually talk? So, I began the plan for “conversation” during  my next visit. Much to my delight and surprise, he began telling me stories from the past…stories that I had never heard before. I discovered that he asked Mother to marry him by writing the words, “Will you marry me?” on the inside of the windshield of his car one night. He was a “romantic” young man, and I never knew that. One of our discussions has led to my story and challenge for this week…

Daddy and I were sitting in the living room, watching another western, when he turned to me and said, “you know, I used to have the prettiest little dog when I was a boy.” (This was the first time I had ever heard that Daddy had a pet as a child, and being an “over the top” animal lover myself, he had my undivided attention.) He said, “it just came up one day, and never left my side…a little collie…followed me wherever I went.” He said that they tried to find out if the dog belonged to any neighbors, but no one claimed him, so my Dad got to keep him. He continued with his story, and said, “oh, how I loved that little dog.” I wanted to know more, and asked, “what did you name the dog?” He said, “Wonder.” Now, I was expecting to hear “Spot,” “Rover,” or anything else, but “Wonder?????” I then asked the obvious question, “Where on earth did you come up with the name, Wonder?” He looked at me as if that was the most ridiculous question he had ever heard, and said, “Well, we always wondered where he came from….” I was laughing so hard, that he got to laughing with me; and the more we laughed, the more tickled we got. It was a pretty wonderful time, and a great memory for me to hold in my heart.

Families are losing their histories because younger family members don’t really talk to their older relatives – grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, etc. As a result, no one hears, or takes the time to listen to, these wonderful stories. If you have ever watched the face of an older individual telling their story, it is as if they are actually reliving the event – their faces are full of wonder, and at times seem like a video that you are able to watch yourself, firsthand. So here is my challenge for this week: Start talking to your older family members! Ask them to reminisce. There are guides and books everywhere on the Internet to assist you with “topical suggestions” for conversations, if you can’t come up with your own. If you no longer have older relatives, there are THOUSANDS of precious elders living in nursing homes, assisted living centers, even in your own neighborhood, who would love to tell a story and have someone listen. I am going to see if I can learn more stories like “Wonder, the dog.” Won’t you join me? Just for this week…

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You don’t even KNOW me!!

Hope all of you have had a good week! I just returned from a conference in Texas, and it was so gratifying to hear people speak of this blog, and to hear their stories. So, we may definitely affect our world in a positive way, week by week..

As we celebrate the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. tomorrow, I thought this particular story and challenge would be most appropriate.

I have lived most of my life in Mississippi – a beautiful state, filled with wonderful people. I am quite aware of the horrible reputation that our state has across the nation. For example, there is not one, educated person in the state that a newscaster could ask to comment on a recent tornado. Nope, it has to be someone with three teeth, spitting tobacco, stating, “Yep, I heared it come over the roof of the trailer…(spit) sounded like a freight train…(spit) we all got in the tub….”  Or, most people think that every single person in the state is prejudiced. So, I would like to correct a few misconceptions. 

Like most states we have the good, the bad, and the ugly…however, I, like numerous others, was not raised to be prejudiced. I was taught that we were all God’s creations, and that none of us were better (or worse) than anyone else. It offends me to be given a negative label, especially when it is simply based on where I lived. I’ve actually been “flipped off” by someone in another car, passing by on the interstate, just because I had a Mississippi state license plate. I wanted to roll down my window and scream: “You don’t even know me!” Course, if I had done that, I could have gotten shot, or worse…so some things best left unsaid…The point I am trying to make is this: why do we make those needless judgements based on color of skin, or an accent, or a geographic location, or anything?

Recently, I went to a local play, “Ragtime.” The plot covered a number of issues during a certain time period of our country – unions/strikes/unfair treatment of women and certain ethnic groups. During the play, part of the dialogue included calling one of the African American characters “nigger.” It had been so long since I had heard that awful name, that I flinched as if I had been slapped. I noticed that almost everyone around me did the same…a flinch and audible gasp. And I thought to myself, how WONDERFUL!! They were as offended and appalled as I was. So… just for this week, I will make an extra effort to reflect the feelings of my heart when I encounter anyone of a different race, ethnic group, or culture than “mine.” I will try to convey that all I see is another human being…period!! I was not raised with prejudice and I want others to know that truth in my actions each day. Won’t you join me? Just for this week…

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Are you feeling lucky…..

It has been wonderful hearing from everyone this week, either by comment here on the blog, or by FB, or email. So we are off to a good start. I hope that many of you did things this week that would make your Mama’s heart “go thump.” I did, and am doing, a number of things….I’m taking care of a friend’s house, plants, and mail while she is out of town. Earlier, I made a fresh pie for a neighbor who had lost her mother and 17-year old dog within the same week. I gave free tickets to some neighbors who had never been to a UT Lady Vols basketball game.  Just a few of my “heart thumpers” this week. So little things can make a difference – they don’t have to be BIG actions. Since last week’s blog was a little sad, I thought we might have a lighter story and challenge this week. AND this is a New Year’s story, so I have to get it in the blog this month. So, here we go…

I need to give you a little “background” for this particular story. Although I am a public speaker and communicator by trade, my close friends and family know that if anyone has a talent for saying the wrong thing, and putting not one, but two, feet in their mouth…..well….that would be me. Now, on to the story…

If you are from the South, you KNOW that black-eyed peas MUST be eaten on New Year’s Day in order to have “good luck” for the coming year. If you were to ask most Southerners “why” we eat black-eyed peas for good luck, not many would be able to give you a rational answer. We just know that if that black-eyed pea does not cross our lips on New Year’s, all is lost, and gloom and doom will surely follow us the entire year. My Mama used to always call me on New Year’s Day to wish me well, and she would always begin the conversation by saying, “Have you had your good luck yet?” And of course, I would always respond, “yes, I ate them at lunch.”

This particular year, I was out of town visiting with friends over the holiday. Most of us had not had very good “luck” the prior year, so it was pretty much a unanimous decision to include black-eyed peas in our New Year’s menu. As “luck” would have it, we did not have any peas at home, so a trip to the grocery store was required. My friends sent me into the store (by myself), knowing that I cannot go into a store without talking to everyone in the building. (They waited for me in the car.) As I finally located the aisle containing the black-eyed peas, I started walking down it. I saw a man walking up from the other end of the aisle, and for some reason, I came to the conclusion that he was also looking for black-eyed peas. I smiled at him from a distance away, and he returned the smile. As we got closer to each other, within “talking” distance, I gave him a great big ole’ smile and said….”Hey, are you looking for some good luck?” The minute the words were out of my mouth, I KNEW they were the WRONG words! The man smiled at me, started at my feet with his eyes, going slowly over my body to my head, and said, “I might be…” I raced out of the store before he could go any further! I hopped into the car and said the words my friends have heard on more than one occasion…”leave rubber!” They peeled out of the parking lot not saying a word. Several blocks later, they all turned to me and said “what did you do??” Of course, New Year’s rolled around the next day, and my phone rang. It was Mama. The first thing she said was, “have you had your good luck?” I said, “Mama, don’t even go there.” The phone line got really quiet, and then she said…”what did you do?”

So, JUST FOR THIS WEEK, I am going to realize that I cannot read peoples’ minds, and know what they are thinking, or even what actions they might be thinking of taking. I’m NOT going to jump to conclusions!! I’m going to let people communicate their thoughts and actions to me with no bias or anticipation on my part. In other words, I AM GOING TO LISTEN….just for this week. Won’t you join me?